day 5 maybes

I left tiktok on my phone thinking it was no big deal and certainly not as much of a distraction/hole as my main addictive apps. I think I left it on telling myself that it was good to have an outlet for laughter, because some of the videos on there are so fricken funny. I will laugh til I cry and I love that feeling.

Well. I let myself watch a video last night and after I was three accounts and countless videos deep I realized how wrong I had been about leaving it on my phone.

I taught all day. I blogged after work. Then made one of our favorite dinners and a pitcher of margaritas for a bonfire. Eventually, once the kids were asleep and my brain was fried – I turned to tiktok.

That’s the problem. At the point when I should have let myself close my eyes or just sit in peace, I instead placed those eyeballs in front of a blue light of other people’s funny videos and dance moves. I filled my head with other. I filled my head as though my head needed filling.

I did this hours after posting day 4, where I talked about making the right choice over and over and I addressed my bad tendency to leave no space for down time or evening conversations by zoning on my phone.

Hours.

Not days or weeks – but hours between my writing out truth and my acting out a repeated bad decision.

I deleted tiktok. It hurt a little. My pride and my sense of control.

I think what I am struggling with most is just wanting to be in control. I don’t want to feel that by clicking on an app I am engaging in something that I can’t regulate. I should be better, I should be more mature, I should be the same as everyone else I watch on there. They seem to be in control.

What’s wrong with me?

I don’t know if everyone I perceive as “healthy” on social media is. I do know that I was and am perceived by many if not hundreds as “healthy” on my own social media accounts, and I’m not feeling I am right now.

Sure, my eating is healthy (mostly), my kids look and seem healthy, my fitness routine is healthy, my words come across as healthy, my life – I suppose – IS healthy as far as social media is concerned.

It’s the constant thoughts of “Should I post this?” “Will this be well received?” “Is this thought going to register for my followers?” “Will this gain interaction?” that make me feel like I’m unhealthy.

Maybe I’m not unhealthy. Maybe I just have an unhealthy view of how to use these accounts. Maybe it’s all the ads about growing a following and the trainings offered constantly on how to engage better that have implanted this stream of thinking so deeply into my mind.

Maybe my need to “see” another’s life at all times is what’s unhealthy, not my actual life.

Maybe.

Apparently, day 5 is holding some maybes.

Maybe I’ve got a long way to go.

Here’s to day 6.