Today felt like a major low. No energy despite two cups of regular coffee and a double shot latte as well as caffeinated black tea (all before 1 pm). I woke up feeling the effects of the Midol PM I took to get myself to sleep. I had slept nearly 10 hours but it felt like I needed 4 more.
The weather was dreary. Rain was forecasted and looming, but it never fell. I always just wish it would pour instead of hang over us.
It’s like emotions. I hate when an emotion is sitting under the surface. Threatening me with its presence, but not making itself known fully. It’s a dull and droning knocking. It makes it so I can never find complete silence in a day. I’m waiting on what will come, how intense it may be.
I wrote of the tidal wave of anxiety that was threatening. It has come in smaller doses instead of one big storm. A rain cloud emptying briefly, and then subsiding. I have had the usual residual symptoms of chest tightness and overall body tension.
Sometimes I would rather it just storm for a day and pass over me, but I know the gradualness of this is better in the long run.
I am aware of it all. Of the way my brain loses grip and finds itself empty yet spinning with chaos. Often on these days I will realize I am looking at a wall or a window and don’t know how long I’ve been doing it. The intense fatigue wave has hit. It will subside. All of it will subside.
I was ready for the storm, I am ready to carry on tomorrow.
I believe in joy like the rising sun.
I believe in the presence of joy in the every day nature of things.
I believe in the power of joy to freeze a crippling thought in its tracks and derail negative patterns of thinking in broad daylight.
I believe in my choice to seize joy in the midst of anxiety and for the two to coexist.
I believe in my story. I used to be so focused on telling it when I was “through” it. I’m sick of that. I’m telling it as it is. As I am. Joy is here, and so is my anxiety.
I am living my life and telling my story, I am getting braver every day.
I hope you are doing the same.